I’ve been thinking about music a lot lately, and whether being autistic means I appreciate it in a different way to most people. Before I realised I’m autistic, I didn’t know that playing a song on repeat was a form of ‘stimming’. I’d never heard of the word ‘stimming’ before I did a deep-dive into autism.
I remember a time when I was 17 and I played ‘Kiss Me’ by Sixpence None the Richer on repeat. My step-dad came into my bedroom and pointed this out, as if it was an unusual thing to do. I didn’t think so at the time. I think I presumed that he must have played the same David Bowie song on repeat when he was my age.
David Bowie was famous for changing his image, and he’s my clumsy segue into the topic of music & masking. One thing I love about music is the opportunity it gives to adopt a different persona. It’s an acceptable form of masking, and one that can make you very popular. Fancy that! Being autistic and popular! Not that I personally want millions of fans, though it would be amazing to make songs that make loads of people happy.
Look at DJs, for example, or rather music producers who perform. Thousands of people turn up to listen to their tracks while they hide behind masses of kit and a silly pseudonym. They’re in control and there’s no obligation to talk, other than perhaps to occasionally demand that everyone raises their arms in the air or that they make some noise, which is silly because everyone is making noise anyway, though such a superfluous demand seems to be well-received anyway.
One of the songs I have been listening to on repeat recently is ‘Memories’ by the French Canadian artist CRi. It’s so blissful and euphoric. It’s from his latest album ‘Miracles’, which was released last year. I love the video of him and the singer, Sophia Bel, performing the track on a hockey rink on top of a building in Montreal – partly because it reminds me of the video for Ash’s ‘Burn Baby Burn’, which I watched a lot during my second year at university.
Another favourite track from CRi’s album is ‘Chaos’ – tingles shoot up my spine as soon as the chords thunder in, and I wish I could create music so powerful that it can provoke such a physical reaction. CRi – aka Christophe Dubé – said in a recent interview:
“I composed this album during the last three years in all four corners of the globe. The touring lifestyle forced me into a new reality. I had to create anywhere and everywhere; on the train, on a park bench, on the plane, in my hotel room and of course in my studio.”
He’s master of his own destiny, working on his own while traveling around the world – what a glorious existence! Well, it would be for an autistic ADHDer like me. I especially like his comment that he had to create anywhere and everywhere. His art is vital to his existence, just like my special interests are vital to my sanity while struggling in a world not designed for me.
During a rare night out last week, I possibly talked a bit too much about a daft thing I used to do to entertain my kids. I used to pick random words to make up an artist and song and then announce it as if I was the lead singer on stage at Wembley Stadium. For example: “We are…Dinosaur Wallpaper with…Bedtime Was Three Hours Ago!”
So, here’s a fake top 10 just for fun:
#10 Genocidal Maniacs – We Didn’t Do It
#9 DJ Rusticate – Send Me Down Baby
#8 Town Centre Development – Excited by Pavements
#7 Pizza by Vinni – I’m Not Angry, I’m Just Disappointed
#6 Teddy Bear Pickaxe – Obscure Coldwave Banger
#5 Oscar Winning Ballad – Imaginary Friends
#4 Dwayne – I’ve Seen Your Mum
#3 Tomato Orgasm – Isosceles Triangle
#2 Balloon Riders – Don’t Be a Prick
#1 Never Been to Estonia – Why is Everything Such a Faff?
Indulging in imaginary names is a brief and harmless escape from this cruel world, just like making and listening to music is. Talking of listening, let me share some names of more songs I’ve been listening to on repeat:
(Not) a Love Song – Liang Lawrence
My friend, Alex, said that this is ‘instantly likeable in every way. Great lyrics, that somehow tread a fine line between naive sincerity and irony just perfectly’. And he’s absolutely right.
Things Change – Kidnap featuring pinkpirate
Another song I loved straight away, with wonderful vocals by Caitlin Brown, who is neurodivergent.
Boyhood – The Japanese House
I’d never heard of The Japanese House – aka Amber Bain – until I read an interview with pinkpirate. This song made me cry like I’d buried my face in a bath of onions. In a good way. Not that I recommend storing onions in your bath.
Seventeen Going Under – Sam Fender
Talking of tears…the title of this song alone is enough to make me maudlin. It’s a bit like Mr Brightside in that it’s triumphantly miserable (or miserably triumphant?), but it means much more to me because it was written by a working-class man in England, albeit from the opposite end of the country, and when I was seventeen, I was so sad that I was subterranean.
Nine et Neuf – We’re Not the Broken Things
A simple song with a simple message by a Belgian synth duo who don’t seem that well-known. You can watch the slightly odd and spooky video here.
So, to conclude: music is masking but, paradoxically, the pretending, myth-making and special effects can be all about authenticity. For me, to be creative is to be true to my autistic self. I’ve spent my whole life masking for other people’s benefit. I think it’s about time I mask for my own benefit.
Image by Dominik Vanyi at www.unsplash.com
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